I have started writing this blog half a dozen times. I have so much to say and so few words. I struggle to share joy when my current outlook is bleak. I struggle to spread courage when I feel pretty darn defeated. I have moments of peace and joy, followed by memories of the saddest days of my life. I want to tell you guys about what's going on in my life, but typing out the words make them so much more real.
Breast cancer. My mother-in-law has cancer.
Blegh. Seeing that C word gives me a pit in my stomach. It reminds me of half my childhood. The darker parts, the times I watched my mom battle and battle that same ugly disease. Does all of this sound overly dramatic? I'm tearing up writing this, yet I fear my words come across like click-bait.
What to do, what to do. Oh yeah, there's nothing. There's prayer -- always prayer. And I know the power of prayer. Yet, everything in my being is ready and poised to spring into tangible, physical action. This amazing, loving woman who truly is a mother to me and the sweetest, kindest grandmother there ever was to JT is fighting something and I feel 100% helpless. Here I am with no ability to provide energy or strength to her being. I pray, of course. That's all there is to do. It feels like a drop in the ocean.
So many prayer warriors have sent up prayers for her and I am so very grateful. The Lord is truly the only hope in this situation. The only way out. The only light in this darkness. Then I worry -- I'm making this about me. How selfish is that? I just want to help without memories from my past jumping up in my mind, bringing with them a lump in my throat.
Where would I be without the knowledge (no -- assurance) that the Lord is fighting for her? I would not have a thread of a rope to hold onto. My namesake feels ironic and soothing all at once. A jumbled mess. So many of my thoughts and feelings are jumbled. I want to spread hope in writing this, yet right now truly feels like the valley of the shadow David spoke about.
Where was I? I think I was just checking in with you guys. Sharing where I'm at and wondering who it was that needed to see all of this. Maybe it was just me.
When I thought I was finished writing this, I walked to my fridge for a glass of water. One of my mother's writings lives there, above the wedding announcements and all of JT's artwork. These words sprung out:
"The search brings one full circle, back to the one perfect love capable of casting out all fear. Can I walk in it? Better yet, can I abide there?"
Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Love and hugs.